Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
My boyfriend recently had his hours cut and is being forced to reconsider his job situation. The problem is that while he’s comes off as the macho-man type, he’s actually very sensitive and anxious. He’s scared shitless because he’s pushing thirty and still doesn’t know what he wants to do. When I try to talk to him about it, he pushes me away because it puts him in a bad mood. I think it’s a cop-out. He needs a wakeup call. I want to scream, “Grow up! This shit happens and you can’t pity yourself forever. You have a lot more control of the situation than you realize and could land the job of your dreams if you would only pursue it.” The thing is, even if I say this, he’ll get pissed off and wouldn’t listen, anyway. He needs someone else to tell him. We tend to ignore good advice from those closest to us. So how can I help him? — Clueless on Giving Advice to Stubborn People
Dear Clueless,
I’ve been with depressive types. I know how frustrating it is when the person you love insists on acting like a pill, resistant to both nurturing and hard-ass interventions. You try tactic after tactic. Nothing works. You know why? Because you can’t fix something that’s not your problem. That’s not to say you’re not being affected by his problem. But it’s still his problem.
Take me. I’m blind as a bat. I make Mr. Magoo look like a regular sharpshooter. If I wear contacts, however, I can see. If my boyfriend wears contacts, it does nothing for me. Does my boyfriend have the right to demand I wear contacts? It depends. Am I doing cutesy stuff like mistaking his cell phone for a TV remote? Or is it more serious, like making him run interference as I trundle off the edge of subway platforms?
Judging from your letter, it sounds like you’re somewhere in between. I don’t want to bum you out, but you’re facing a tough road. What makes depression and anxiety such a bitch is that most of the manifestations are internal. I know I need contacts because anything that’s not immediately in front of me looks like a Monet painting. I don’t need a friend or significant other to confirm my suspicions. That’s a huge incentive to get help. But your boyfriend doesn’t have that, does he?
So what can you do if it’s not (directly) your problem? It’s time for an ultimatum, Clueless. Start with understanding (”I can see why this career indecision is making you sad”), transition into choices (”However, unless you go to a therapist, get a job, or embark on a formalized get-happy program”) and end in consequences, (”then I’m going to have to re-evaluate the relationship in XYZ weeks/months.”).
If you do this, he’ll have a clear picture of what needs to change, how he can change it, and when you’re expecting this to happen. Now all that’s left to do is reinforce what you’ve set forth, and see how it all plays out.
Dear Miss Information,
My new boyfriend asked me to shave my pubes. I said I was fine with that, as long as I could keep some grass on the field — I didn’t like the idea of being completely bare. I’ve shaved a few times now, and while I don’t mind doing it, it’s the growing-in process that bothers me. It itches like hell! Friends have suggested waxing, but it’s too expensive, not to mention invasive. I have to psyche myself up for weeks before going to the gyno. There’s no way I’m going to pay money for that kind of torture. I already practice good shaving techniques (I read up) so I know that’s not the issue. Are there any lotions or powders that deal with this specific problem? The ones I’ve tried give you a few minutes of relief, then you’re back to the same itchy place you started. Suggestions? — Epic Fail Girly Girl
Dear Epic Fail Girly Girl,
When I think of pubic-hair removal, I’m inspired to put my own twist on that famous verse by Dorothy Parker:
Scissors cause cuts; Waxing is pricey;
Clippers are blunt; Plucking is dicey;
Merkins can chafe; Shaving is rougher;
Creams stink to heaven; You’ll just have to suffer.
Let me make this clear: every method has it pros and cons. Even not shaving at all — which wins points for ease and convenience, but doesn’t offer guaranteed, widespread acceptance among sexual partners. (I know, it’s not supposed to matter. I’m a feminist, but when horny enough, I’ll take penis over principles.)
You can find a whole prison-cafeteria’s worth of bologna out there in the form of razor-company marketing dreck, bizarre home remedies from well-meaning friends (”I get smooth with a blend of crushed papaya and fennel seed oil!”), and how-to articles. I’ve tried it all over the years, and I’ve concluded that everyone’s skin is different and everyone has to find their own solution.
Mine is not to have one. I’ve come to accept the re-growth itchiness as a side effect of an active sex life, rather than continue to waste my time (and money) at the drug store. There is one investment I make: big, bulky, beautiful purses. They’re perfect for camouflaging a good scratch session. Swing that sucker around to the front of your waist and go to town.
Readers, how do you deal with your hair downstairs? Do any of you still believe in a magic cure-all?
To answer the second question, just put baby powder on wherever you’re itching (don’t use any with talc, it can cause cancer).
Maggie commented on
Jun 08 09 at
3:42 am
For some people shaving just doesn’t work. The only thing that keeps the follicitis away from my crotch is professional waxing. This isn’t quite an option, so home bikini waxing with clean equipment and plenty of ingrown lotion with saliyic acid is the next best thing. I still end up with a mildly grumpy pubic region. I’ve yet to find a cream that helps with the awfulness that erupts post-shaving.
Other option:
new boyfriend.
Caitlin commented on
Jun 08 09 at
10:33 am
Clueless: I have been there. I did pretty much what Miss Info suggested, and it ended in divroce anyway. I sincerely hope it works out for you and your boyfriend, but walking away from it can also be a good thing in the long run.
Girly: I use Paula’s Choice Skin Relief treatment post-shave, and really emolient moisturizers to soften the skin and regrowing hair afterward. It’s done wonders to prevent The Unholy Postshave Itch. And everyone already knows this, but make sure the razor blade is very sharp and new, and that you soak the area for at least a few minutes before you shave.
kari commented on
Jun 08 09 at
12:46 pm
There is one investment I make: big, bulky, beautiful purses. They’re perfect for camouflaging a good scratch session. Swing that sucker around to the front of your waist and go to town.
BEST ADVICE EVER, i laughed out loud.
katerr commented on
Jun 08 09 at
1:02 pm
I shopped and shopped for a cheap professional waxtress, (she is mean, fast, and indelicate!), and she barks these orders for after-care: Antibiotic cream with caldescene powder for day one (no sex), and cortizone cream for a day or so after. It works like a dream. I used to look like I was some acid-burnt chicken from planet pusville. Now there is NO PROBLEM. My only trouble is convincing Cruella to leave a normal-sized triangle up front (3-4 inches across the top!!) and She wants to mohawk me into some damn vertical inch patch. I think that looks like shit. No man has ever complained about any of it, mind you.
waxonwaxoff commented on
Jun 08 09 at
6:10 pm
Lord knows I love sex, and will do various different things to obtain it, but my best advice would be to find a new partner. Seriously, don’t sleep with frat-bros or 30-somethings who want to be frat bros. Sleep with a man who understands that, CRAZY AS IT MAY SOUND, women have pubic hair. Not only will you be itch free-but I guarantee the sex is better.
ECJ commented on
Jun 08 09 at
9:35 pm
Girls - don’t shave. use a pair of small sharp scissors to achieve a near perfect result, clipping not waxing, not shaving produces that special look that so many crave these days. For years, I “serviced” my gf in this way - she was always pleased with the result and it was great foreplay. One word of caution - he needs a steady hand and a comb is a good investment too to protect those labial bits.
simon scissors commented on
Jun 08 09 at
11:02 pm
Shave every day — just a quick couple strokes while you’re in the shower. If you get a good razor and change the blade frequently, it’s not irritating and it keeps the regrowth itchies at bay.
Lisa commented on
Jun 09 09 at
12:22 am
OMG, ladies, I SO understand, and I was tormented with this nonsense… until .. LASER. Yup. Girls, women, hairy-backed men, I’ve done 4 sessions and my fuzz has gone from sandpapery to soft and thin. Not kidding! All the itchy, burny, bumpy stuff is gone and my only regret is not doing this for myself sooner. I’m so much happier! Do your research though, there are many different lasers with varying pain levels and effectiveness for different skin types. (I’m using one called the Alma Soprano and it does not really hurt I swear!)
Nat commented on
Jun 09 09 at
3:04 am
In regards to the shaving bit… I started doing it years ago and remove everything. like you, I was annoyed by the grow-out itch but I was not willing to give up. Instead, I shave every single day as a part of my regular routine and have found that the area is less sensitive to shaving issues and I never have akward stubble issues.
Sam commented on
Jun 09 09 at
3:10 am
Guys do not want unsolicited career advice. Ever. Well, unless you make it clear you’re joking, like “Honey, maybe you could get a job driving one of those monster trucks in the stadiums full of mud! That looks like fun!” You’re attacking his manliness if you say anything that implies he wouldn’t be a good “provider.” Of course, if all he’s doing is staying home and watching TV and playing video games and feeling sorry for himself, he still needs a kick to get out there and look for something, even if he still doesn’t know what he wants to do. Just tell him that in “this economy,” he needs to get out and find something, anything, as a backup to his old job, which is disintegrating, and don’t worry about finding perfection. He might find a career in the process anyway, but if not, with more than 30 years to retirement, there’s still time.
JCF commented on
Jun 09 09 at
8:36 am
There are plenty of men out there who wouldn’t want you to sacrifice your comfort for a silly little bald spot.
Eric commented on
Jun 09 09 at
1:10 pm
Girly, is your bf gonna shave his balls and his ass like you’ve shaved your mentionables? Fair play. Once he gets the itch, maybe he’ll relent.
Also, shaved pubes remind me of pre-pubescent girls and I find that intensely creepy.
Personally, I’ve shaved only once, hated it, never did it again and have had no complaints. If a guy wants to get laid, and especially if he wants to lay you specifically, hair is not a dealbreaker.
RD commented on
Jun 09 09 at
2:17 pm
As a man, I find shaved pubes a real turn off. I changed diapers on my three daughters and making love to a woman with no pubic hair makes me feel like a child molester. I had to ask one girlfriend to grow it back.
CW commented on
Jun 09 09 at
9:24 pm
Years ago, there was a girl at my high school who had to shave because of lice. When my friend Diane and I walked out of the locker room she turned to me and said that Linda’s twat looked like a chicken’s ass. I’ll shave enough to stay inside my bathing suit and that’s it.
Jennifer commented on
Jun 10 09 at
1:54 am
Hi Epic fail girly girl.
Why not just trim the hair? Use a beard trimmer type device to make the hair shorter but not shaved completely.
HTH
Tom commented on
Jun 10 09 at
4:43 am
The fact that only JCF has commented on the counter-productiveness of the first letter-writer’s approach is troubling.
There is no guy out there who believes that the phrase “Grow up! [You] could land the job of your dreams if you would only pursue it!” is in ANY way supportive.
“C.O.G.A.S.P.” should be thanking him he didn’t leave her right off the bat if that’s been her crappy attitude the whole time. He needs a new girlfriend, and the second letter-writer needs a new boyfriend. SWITCH!
Hey there’s an idea — Miss Info could match up poorly-paired couples with their better halves in other mismatched couples!
SG commented on
Jun 10 09 at
10:18 am
Lisa has it. Seriously. Shave every time you’re in the shower and you’ll only have to suffer itchy regrowth when you’re camping. Get new blades often!
Quail commented on
Jun 10 09 at
1:53 pm
From my extensive personal experience, the men who don’t have specific preferences about the pubic hair make better lovers. They just like pussy any way it comes. Correction: some of the great lovers I’ve been with also did not care for the all bare pussy.
NU commented on
Jun 10 09 at
4:30 pm
so what is the conventional wisdom on hair down there? i am recently out of a super long-term relationship and have never shaved, but now that i have started having casual fun i’ve become sort of self-conscious about my bush. (i’ve waxed before, but again, too pricey for that to be my normal routine) Men? what is the story here?
SC commented on
Jun 10 09 at
5:29 pm
I have plenty of hair down there and no man has ever complained. I personally find the idea of going totally bare down there to be way too creepy and feel like any guy who’s into that either watches way too much porn or is a closeted child molester. Ladies, we’re gorgeous au natual. Why not do what you want with your pubic hair instead of what you think the men want?
VLady commented on
Jun 10 09 at
10:07 pm
I agree with VLady — any man who has a super-strong preference for a girl being 100% bare and nothing else just screams “issues” to me. On the other hand, not many men care for the opposite, where you look like you have Angela Davis in a headlock. But as long as you keep it reasonably sized, who cares whether it’s trimmed, shaved, or shaped or not. I go down on any woman who enjoys it, and I don’t care what she’s done with her hair as long as it isn’t a thicket or jungle underbrush that I need a sherpa to get through. Anything short of that is fine. Wouldn’t you rather have a little hair down there than have your woman be bare but with a red, scratchy rash? Get over it, fellas.
SG commented on
Jun 11 09 at
4:11 pm
This entire thread has made me feel sick. I waxed once. It was awful. Just thinking about it makes me want to puke. STAY NATURAL, LADIES (and gents)!!!
G commented on
Jun 11 09 at
6:57 pm
cortizone? antibiotic cream? i can’t believe you girls will go to such extremes, using harmful, harsh meds that don’t really need to be taken - unless you’re very, very sick. come to think of it, maybe you are. enough already with trying to satisfy this pedophile-like wish of men that’s become fashionable. don’t you have a say in the matter? if we weren’t supposed to have hair to cover our genitals, it wouldn’t have grown. get a life!
brooklyn commented on
Jun 11 09 at
9:01 pm
Sorry to tell you this, but the only way to make the itch stop is to not let it grow in at all! You need to shave every other or every 3rd day to prevent the itch.
And then it will still take a few weeks for your body to get used to the shaving. You also have to use a relatively sharp razor. Change blades every 3 weeks minimum. This is the ONLY answer, even if you decide to leave a little landing strip, the rest needs to be tended to frequently….
Ed commented on
Jun 12 09 at
11:17 am
Waxing every 4-6 weeks is the best. No itchy regrowth. If you exfoliate, you don’t get ingrowns. If you’re willing to throw money on drinks for happy hour, might as well shell it out for waxing. Everyone also has different pain thresholds; fortunately, mine is high.
MS commented on
Jun 12 09 at
11:36 am
Shaving on a regular basis, I’ve found, makes it less itchy. I shave my boys as a courtesy to my partner for when she’s going south and I expect the same in return. Hair down there isn’t a deal breaker except if she wants me going south. I take exception to the notion that there is something wrong with folks that prefer little or no hair down there…..Bottom line is that what ever you BOTH decide on…….
Dave commented on
Jun 12 09 at
11:42 am
Lots of good solutions here, but as a man I’d like to weigh in and concur with the other few men that have posted here. Women (and Men) have hair. That is natural. To want bare shaved women (or men) speaks to deeper issues. This is a fetish that has deep ties to the unnatural. Even as a pre-pubescent boy, I fantasized about grown women (with hair) and that has always been a turn on to me. I’ve never understood the shaved thing. Are there women who enjoy being shaved and like the idea of a hairless pussy? If so, where does that desire come from?
dude commented on
Jun 12 09 at
11:52 am
The whole child molester bit is ridiculous. You’re comparing something that some people have a preference for (male and female alike) to the queen mother of all sex crimes. I would think that the readers of this site in particular would be less prone to cast aspersions on the sexual proclivities of others. There’s nothing wrong with shaving, there’s nothing wrong with not shaving. There is something wrong however, with someone saying “I’m not having sex with you until you shave/don’t shave.”
Willie72 commented on
Jun 12 09 at
11:54 am
bring back the ladygarden. there is nothing exciting about a shaved/waxed/bare vagina. it is another form of conformity that has been perpetuated by female insecurity about being desired. open any playboy from the past 5 years and you will find less pubic hair in a whole issue than you will on my left nut. a shaved pussy is just as cliche as fake tits at this point. the hair grows there for a reason! leave it be!
pemulis commented on
Jun 12 09 at
12:20 pm
CARAMEL for centuries smart women from the est have used an all natural chemical free better than wax epilation method–cooked sugar. hurts less than wax, irritates the skin less, and much less itching afterwards! I used to think that pubic epilation was creepy too, until at age 45 I finally tried it….it feels great! sexy and smooth, do it for yourself not for someone else.
deedee sue commented on
Jun 12 09 at
3:00 pm
Three things:
1) Regularity - mo’ often is mo’better.
2) Coochie Cream - The actual brand name…find it, use it, love it!
3) Deodorant - A quick swipe of Secret after shaving keeps the pricklies away (but don’t forget to do a quick washcloth before you get down to business!!!)
Follow these steps and you’ll never suffer again (my boy swears by this as well, for all you ball-shavers out there!)
Alice commented on
Jun 12 09 at
6:54 pm
Porn and Greek statues between them have spoiled the attraction of a bush, and the modern hatred of natual smells make this worse, but I am a man who loves to stroke it. What I like a lot less is the sharp stubble as it regrows. Whether pricking my legs or rasping my gums, 5 o’clock shadow is Not Nice. So please don’t shave, but if you do shave, shave _recently_. For frequent sex, that means _often_, like at least daily. That may help the regrowth itch too. (I’ve shaved down there exactly once, before my vasectomy. Never again.)
Tim commented on
Jun 13 09 at
3:51 am
I think women who want their men to shave their beards are closet child molesters; let’s face it, adult men have beards. Any women who wants her man to shave his face is obviously looking for that pre-adolescent sexual experience…
Bob commented on
Jun 13 09 at
8:52 am
In response to “are there any woman who enjoy being shaved and like the idea of a hairless pussy”…I do, I like it very much. Not always, but sometimes I get mine professionally waxed and without any hair down there, I get stimulated very easily, as there is no barrier between my vagina and whatevr comes against it. So if I am wearing just a thin pair of undies and jeans, I can get turned on just by normal movement, and this puts a little smile on my face for the day. Even better, if it’s really hot outside, I wear a long flowing skirt with no undies, then just a breeze can tickle me in a very pleasant way. So I do this mostly for myself, and I don’t think this speaks of “deeper issues”, it’s just an esthetic preference, I like smooth men too, I don’t like beards or lots of chest hair. I agree, though, no woman should start removing hair there because her boyfriend demands it, unless he’s willing to get his removed too. You could always make a game out of shaving each other.
Nicole commented on
Jun 13 09 at
1:42 pm
The question that I’ve never heard a proper answer to is why are the only options “bald” or “completely untended”? It’s called grooming. something that we all should do to keep ourselves tidy and presentable.
but I wonder if beating the itch down there could benefit from the same technique that helps a mans chin whiskers? I’ve found that quality shaving techniques, top notch equipment, and a regular schedule makes all the difference in the world, when it comes to residual discomfort, bumps, ingrown hairs, itching, etc…
beeeff commented on
Jun 13 09 at
2:16 pm
I think a woman should do what makes her feel comfortable… but clearly the “vintage jungle bush” in its full unkempt glory is not all the rage right now.. can we not all agree that neatness, no matter what style, is all that should be required from a partner? For me, sensitive skin makes all forms of hair removal all but impossible, and the friction of intercourse plus hair is enough to ruin my skin for days! I found that having the softer hair texture has also, as a bonus, eliminated the need to spend excessive time preparing for dates….. pussy shaving quite possibly being my least favorite grooming activity! Long live the laser, which lets you totally customize the amount of hair you have!! It’s not all or nothing, that’s the cool part. Your hair grows in like 5 or 6 cycles. Ok I’m done!
Nat commented on
Jun 15 09 at
5:15 am
I have the same problem which is why I never shave down there. Nair–which stinks–does the trick though. It removes my hair with only a tiny bit of the itchiness upon regrowth. And it takes a long time to grow back completely. I also rub a little vaseline on the area immediately after hair removal. Wearing cotton underwear helps too.
ebony commented on
Jun 15 09 at
1:15 pm
I vote for shaving whenever you hit the shower. It really doesn’t itch unless I let it go for a few days. I started shaving it all in 2000 and I haven’t wanted to grow it back because the itch gets too bad when it’s coming back in. Pedophile/pornography arguments be damned, I don’t like picking hairs out of my teeth when I’m with a woman or dude either.
Miss Q commented on
Jun 15 09 at
7:46 pm
I shaved my boys, then asked my wife to take care of the garden gates, tit for tat. As for pedophilia, NOT! I prefer the feeling of skin on skin and oral becums a pleasure, not a task when there’s no dental floss to worry about, or that deep dark musky aroma!
To each his / her own. Keep it close, shave often, with a sharp double razor, using cream rinse as a lube!
Jack commented on
Jun 16 09 at
4:59 pm
I have really sensitive skin that can’t even handle waxing or creams on my legs, so I’ve been too scared to try them anywhere else… Even so, I’ve been shaving for a while now and it doesn’t itch at all these days. Not only that but I’m lazy and don’t do it all that regularly (I only do it when I’m going to see the boyfriend, basically), definitely not daily, and it still doesn’t itch. Little untidy maybe, but I do it out of courtesy for him so when it’s just me looking at it it doesn’t bother me. Shaving gel is a must though.
Doodle commented on
Jun 18 09 at
11:16 am
I’m a guy, and I really enjoy giving oral; I’ll do it regardless of how the area is kept, but I prefer it if it’s trimmed short or bare. Seems to be more fun for both people that way. Doesn’t have to be smooth, but that’s kinda nice sometimes. I keep mine trimmed short (but not shaved) to reciprocate.
Diggler commented on
Jul 08 09 at
4:44 pm
I was freaked out by the totally bare thing at first but it really does create entirely new and very pleasurable sensations. I convinced myself not to make a feminist issue out of it because the reality is it’s just a personal preference. The guy who requested it is 7 years younger than I am, he’s obviously not looking for a little girl. And yes, he shaves and/or trims himself too. From experience, I agree with those who say make it part of your daily routine and it will get better. I have very sensitive skin and this is what works for me. I use Kiss My Face fragrance-free moisture shave and a Venus 5-blade razor, and I apply aloe gel afterward. I use a Noxema microscopic bikini razor about once a week to clean up the spots not reached by the regular razor. Have fun!
Another Lisa commented on
Jul 11 09 at
12:46 pm
Anything with 2% salic acid works wonders. Use a poof and that apricot scrub with salic acid in the shower, and scrub. It works. I promise.
Tess commented on
Jul 21 09 at
4:10 pm
i dont know what happen my body is itching so badly what do you do to make this itch goaway?
poja manotra commented on
Jul 26 09 at
6:59 pm
There’s a video on YouTube that shows an alternative to shaving,. The vid is funny but the advice is serious–there’s a better, safer way to remove pubes than shaving. See the video here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jExWiNrcmLo
Wanda commented on
Aug 15 09 at
5:55 pm
Use Tom’s of Maine natural original deodorant on the area you shaved afterwards. As long as it isn’t a close painful shave. I swear it works, I no longer get ingrown hairs down there or in my armpits, sometimes I use it for my legs as well.
To keep it hygenic try to have a separate bar for your privates and armpits.
Amanda commented on
Aug 31 09 at
10:36 pm
Yall are stupid. I made my bf shave everything and I’ve been shaving mine all off for a long time and haven’t had a problem. Hair is just gross and it makes you stink especially when you’re on your period. And plus when you were a bikini you see all that nasty hair
haha commented on
Sep 22 09 at
8:40 am
N commented on 
