Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I’m a thirty-year-old divorcee. I’ve been having weekly flings with my twenty-three-year-old Neighbor Boy and it’s been great. Convenient and right across the street — the sexual equivalent of 7-11. This has been going on for about six months. I ended it last weekend for a few reasons:
1. He was uptight about other guys visiting me.
2. He was trying to develop a relationship, “Let’s take your kid to the park!” etc.
3. He makes plans and then shows up hours late. Big issue for me. I have a toddler and can’t be up all hours of the night with him. Neighbor Boy knows this, but evidently doesn’t care.
He was a no-show yet again last Friday night. After waiting an hour and a half, I sent him this message: “Time’s UP, I am so done with you.” To which he responded (twenty minutes later), “I just got off work.” He couldn’t have mentioned that when he made our dirty little arrangement earlier that day?
It’s been a week with no communication on either end. I am ready to forgive, forget, and get back in bed. Do I bite the bullet and invite him over or should I wait for him to come knocking? I don’t want to lose the power I have in this relationship. I could always just say screw it and blow the dust off my vibrator, because he was acting kind of weird anyway. — Not Quite A Cougar
Dear Not Quite A Cougar,
Flaky booty calls are the worst. It’s silly to expect reliable service, yet the service they provide is vital. You can get mad all you want at the electric company but sooner or later you’re going to want to operate your hair dryer.
How do you lay down rules when there aren’t supposed to be any rules? How do you ask for consideration and consistency without giving would-be clingers the wrong idea?
It seems to me Neighbor Boy likes you. Really likes you. The missed appointments and no-shows are, of course, inconsistent with that, but I have a few theories:
1. He knows you’re not taking this seriously, and thinks you’re as low maintenance logistically as you are emotionally.
2. He knows you’re not taking this seriously, is upset about that, and is trying to win you over by acting like an attention-seeking jerkward. (P.S. It’s working, hon.)
3. He’s a flakester. Age has nothing to do with it. He’ll probably stay Croissanwich-like until he’s long past forty.
Let me ask you this: How hot is he? How open to change? How much do you value the services of this vendor? If I were you, I’d swallow my pride and give Neighbor Boy a call. Apologize for the text and be easygoing about hook-up logistics until you’ve made your initial amends. Once you’re back in a groove, throw down your rules, let him establish some of his own and give him one more chance to get it right. If he shines you, who cares? Your self-esteem doesn’t ride on some unreliable youngster. I know you don’t want him on picnics with the kiddies, but maybe you could go out for coffee one morning afterwards? Throw him an emo-bone. Some booty calls need that little bit of affection before they’ll go to the ends of the earth for you.
Dear Miss Information,
I’ve known my best friend for a few years. I recently spent the night at his house and we ended up having sex. To me, it seems like he became a little distant after it happened. I get “Hi” and “Bye” and that’s it. We still talk, and I know it wasn’t bad because he asked if it would happen again. But he’s acting weird. What could it be and what should I do? — Best Friend Lost
Dear Best Friend Lost,
I’m no Heidi and Spencer, but I’m going say it was probably the sex. Human beings are wired towards equilibrium. We’re most comfortable in situations where we know what to expect. Sex takes away that assurance — you never know whether a person is going to assume you’re a couple just because you did the dirty or whether they’re going to treat it like another wild night out. Once sex is part of the equation, you can try to play normal all you want, but eventually you start reading into every little interaction. Is she calling me as much as she was before? Why is he so chatty with that roller derby chick on Facebook? Look at your own feelings. Maybe you want a relationship but only if he wants a relationship too. It’s easy to be rejected by some schmuck you met on Two-Dollar-Shot-Night. Not so when he’s one of the few people you like being with.
Before you do anything, Best Friend Lost, I’d take an objective look at what’s happened since you guys screwed. Actual interactions and conversations, emails and texts. Concrete data. It’s possible that things are way more normal than you think they are. Your insecurity may be coloring your opinion. Your letter talks about what he may or may not be feeling, but what do you want? A fuck friend? A boyfriend? A time machine so you can go back and undo what’s been done?
Once you know that, it’ll be easier to move ahead. A friends-with-benefits situation can be nurtured with one part denial and two parts alcohol, but if you’re interested in commitment, you’ll have to have a little talk. Avoidance is rarely a good omen, so don’t be surprised if he dodges confrontation as well. But at least you’ll get the subject out in the open. Then the friendship can swing back towards that equilibrium once more.
Have you ever slept with your best friend, reader? How did you deal with the fallout? Can a friendship survive a tumble in the sack?
I’m not sure what “power” the woman in the first letter thinks she has in the relationship.
Bart commented on
Jun 22 09 at
7:24 am
after a messy break up i drank too much all the time and i ended up sleeping with my best friend of four years…the fall out was dirty and messy. things have never gotten back to the way they were before. we are still friends….sort of. but now we are both angry and resentful of each others new significant others. it was a bad move.
bunnykilla88 commented on
Jun 22 09 at
9:43 am
I think the first lw made the right move ditching the fb. fb relationships can’t last indefinitely without someone developing feelings, or things getting messy, and that is exactly what seems to be happening: it’s been 6 months, and both of them are developing feelings and expectations, things are getting messy. if she’s sure she doesn’t want more from him than sex, she needs to move on and find someone new to have sex with - someone she doesn’t have expectations of or feelings about. If she wants something reliable and long term, where her feelings are being considered and her expectations are being met, than she’s not really in the market for a 23 year old f–k buddy; she’s looking for a boyfriend, and should proceed with that in mind.
jess commented on
Jun 22 09 at
10:14 am
a 23-year old hot flake will act like a 23-year old hot flake. expect nothing/little and you’ll not be disappointed. expect promptness and you’re kidding yourself. he knows you have a kid and are available on his hours/terms. you have no power really.
re: 2nd letter, sadly once you sleep with the best friend things are never the same. for better or worse. it is just not possible. sex changes everything. that should be a song title.
flip wilson commented on
Jun 22 09 at
12:08 pm
slept with an old friend after a nasty breakup. the sex was so godawfully terrible i decided it couldn’t really be counted as sex technically, so i just pretended it never happened, so did he, and we never speak of it again.
skip commented on
Jun 22 09 at
12:34 pm
re letter one: get in touch; if you miss him enough to write a letter about him, you might actually have a future. twenty-five years after a neighborly cougaresque fwb fling, i have a loving step-dad.
re letter two: i have also navigated these waters, successfully. talk honestly - just honest enough, not painfully honest - about what happened with the friend, give yourselves some time to cool off and re-equilibrate, and pick up the friendship in a couple months after the air has cleared. i told my friend that it had been fun, but i didn’t see us being a couple, but i loved him and didn’t want to lose him as a friend. it was a little awkward for a while (6 months or so) but now, four years later, we’re still good friends and can smirk salaciously about our drunken night(s).
julezmatika commented on
Jun 22 09 at
1:37 pm
Re letter one: He’s 23. Use him for fun. Play the same game back. I’ve done the young thing and i believe you should stick around for the sex. The stamina on the young ones is worth hanging around for.
Ally commented on
Jun 22 09 at
3:48 pm
re letter 2: I have done the same, it continued for months (we are on opposite ends of the country now and don’t talk about it on the phone. I don’t know what will happen when we are together again.) We talked and both decided that we didn’t want a relationship, but did want to keep hooking up. No denial and little-to-moderate alcohol was required. (not that we spoke of it often outside the bedroom). I’d say it’s been a very positive experience, and although there’s been a little jealousy/second-guessing, our friendship really hasn’t suffered.
Lizzie commented on
Jun 22 09 at
4:23 pm
Re; letter 2. My best friend and I still have hot steamy fucking sex. We turn each other on every week or so. Interesting part is that he has a “girlfriend” who supposedly knows nothing about our booty calls. And interesting as well, he still shares more with me, as a friend than he does with her. I don’t understand it, and sometimes it’s difficult because I keep the real romance out of the picture. Regardless, we have fun, fuck hot and hard and still maintain our friendship.Keep in mind, however, that this relationship we have now, took a lot of talking and understanding of boundaries.
Lizzie commented on
Jun 22 09 at
4:36 pm
The comment from “jess” is dead-on-balls correct, in regards to the first letter. That’s the beginning and end of it, right there.
However, all these people talking about “power” and “games” like that’s part of a sane relationship though, are freaking me out. Are our interpersonal dynamics really that fucked in our culture? Grow the fuck up, people. Why waste your time AND theirs?
SG commented on
Jun 23 09 at
4:36 pm
I slept with a friend and almost twenty years later we are still friends and are still sleeping together. Nothing has really changed with the exception of sex put into the friendship. He is ok but sometimes he gets a little uptight about who I am talking to or even dating at the time. Hey did I mention that he is married and I am single. The only thing I know is that it works for me.
roewena commented on
Jun 23 09 at
6:10 pm
Re: Letter one, could I be your neighbor? You can have all the power you want.
Trevor commented on
Jun 24 09 at
12:02 am
My male best friend started hinting that he wanted a bit of action 4 years ago. I was very very hesitant, and he was opposite of my type - a bit of Hugh Grant, where I go for surfer dudes, but went for it and discovered the best sex of my life. We both happenned to have the same high sex drive and a penchant for various locations and positions. We did attempt to become a couple but it was obvious that outside of the “bedroom” we really either annoyed or bored each other half to death. I thought it was really strange how our sexual personalities were such a good match and our day personalities were a complete mismatch. It all turned out quite well, several years later I met someone else, but could not give up having STILL the best sex of my life. We finally ended it when he met another woman and started getting a bit distracted in bed. I shake my head at the thought I could have missed this for a sake of not sleeping with my best friend.
NU commented on
Jun 24 09 at
1:31 am
I broke it off with my lover last summer for much the similiar reasons. Agood open relationship needs communication, which you don’t have if it turns into a power struggle. But the bottom line is that you can’t work with people who are that unreliable. Being an hour and a half late is just rude and inconsiderate, regardless of your relationship — although I was much more casual about such things at that age. Get a replacement.
Sarah commented on
Jun 24 09 at
11:01 am
As a female cougar myself I pretty much agree with this last comment. I wouldn’t dump him yet thou. I would do the same thing to him: set an apointment and arrive one hour late. Then tell him:”No you know what it feels”. If he ever did it again I would definately replace toy-boy.It’s not that hard
lily commented on
Jun 26 09 at
11:13 pm
I just slept with one of my best friends. It happens maybe once a year. I can honestly say that it hasn’t changed a thing. It had no more emotional significance than having a coffee with him or anything else we’d normally do. But he is a slutty drunk, so I think he’s used to waking up the next day and carrying on as normal.
sanga commented on
Jun 27 09 at
11:01 am
First letter–you want the power in the relationship? if that is the concern, there are bigger problems. He is a 23-year old. I am surrounded by them and they are almost universally flakes (M and F).
grad student commented on
Oct 26 09 at
3:34 pm
