Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I’m a twenty-two-year-old girl fresh out of a relationship. I’ve been in various long term relationships for the past five years, with little time between them.
I know I’m young and that I need to be single for a while. I just don’t know how to be single. Can you tell me how it works? How do I stop myself from jumping into relationships with every awesome guy that comes my way? How should I pace myself meeting new people? Most importantly, how am I going to get laid if I don’t want to nail strangers? — Fleeting Single
Dear Fleeting Single,
There are two kinds of people: serial monogamists who jump from one long-term relationship to another and the persistentally single bachelor or bachelorette. The Relationshipers are good at opening up, sharing their emotions, and being vulnerable. The Solo Artists are good at entertaining themselves and looking after their own needs first. A Solo Artist is skilled at self-soothing, a terms typically associated with raising babies. It means letting a child calm themselves down during late-night crying fits without relying on their parents. It’s a painful process, learning to self-soothe as an infant, but it’s an important skill to learn, especially for when you’re a single adult.
In order to be single and stay single, you need to be able to go through the whole spectrum of moods without having someone around to comfort or be elated with you. You might think you already know how to do this: I’m not needy. I don’t get jealous. Ex-boyfriends don’t call me psycho. But I have news for you, Fleeting Single: being self-reliant in a relationship is not the same as being self-reliant alone.
It’s natural to want to be in love. Don’t feel bad about that. Shame is a shitty motivator. The goal is to find what habits — changes, activities, ambitions — will help you, over time, feel happy even when you’re not part of a couple.
Committing to being single doesn’t mean sex is out of the question. There are a ton of nice people who want to get laid but aren’t looking for relationships, and I’m not talking about the type that post close-ups of their glans on Craigslist. Ask your friends to make some introductions, hit some meat-market bars, or try an old ex who’s open to having fun but isn’t a drama risk.
Dear Miss Information,
I recently started dating a new gal. We’ve been out on four dates. No sex. We haven’t talked about exclusivity, but it did come out in casual conversation that neither of us is seeing other people. After that came out, we got quiet and awkward.
She’s going on a business trip this weekend. It happens that a female college friend is also coming to visit — the kind of friend that’s platonic until we have a lot to drink and get naked. Is it alright to sleep with my friend, assuming I don’t do it again if things get serious with the four-date girl? — Under the Wire
Dear Under the Wire,
How intense were those four dates? Did you reveal any deep personal secrets? Make any of those creepy vows like they do in eHarmony commercials? If not, you’re in the clear. You haven’t slept together and you haven’t had “The Talk.” Exclusivity by intention is not the same as exclusivity by default.
This would-be indiscretion is with a designated fuck buddy and a long-distance fuck buddy at that. Your fuck-friendship isn’t transforming into a committed relationship anytime soon. Plus, since she lives far way, it isn’t likely you’ll have to explain to your new maybe-girlfriend who that friendly lady is you keep running into.
A fling like this can be good in the early stages of a possible relationship. You get all that sexual frustration out of your system with one last, safe hurrah. You can make decisions based on whether you actually like four-date girl versus needing to relieve your blue balls.
Be prepared for this question: “How was your weekend?” I recommend the vague but honest answer: “An old friend came to town.” Four-date girl might drop it at that. If she gets jealous though, you have the perfect opportunity to discuss the rules going forward.
Readers, would you be pissed if you were four-date girl? Why or why not?
no. i wouldn’t be pissed because hopefully i won’t know. in situations such as these, i truly feel ignorance is bliss.
jinjer commented on
Jun 29 09 at
12:28 am
Seriously, just do it but never discuss it. I’m female and would wish that if i was the 4 date girl. I think i’m in that situation now as a matter of fact.
aj commented on
Jun 29 09 at
2:40 am
I wouldn’t even bring up that a friend came to visit. After four dates your social life isn’t her business yet. Particularly since there has been no sex. I can’t imagine any reason to tell the girl unless he’s trying to manipulate her into having sex with him sooner than she’s ready for it.
Bart commented on
Jun 29 09 at
6:16 am
For Fleeting Single, probably the best reason to deliberately be single for a while is to find out who you really are and what you like to do when there isn’t someone else there who also has to like it. Thus, now is the time to try out new things and go places you’ve never been before, subject to budget constraints, of course. Yes, restaurants will seat a party of one, and you don’t have to pretend to be a restaurant reviewer. You will have to give up convenient sex for a while, and make it absolutely clear to any Mr. Right Nows that that’s what it is. Once you’ve built up enough confidence that you know what you like and you know you can go it alone if you have to, then maybe your next long-term relationship will be a bit longer term.
JCF commented on
Jun 29 09 at
8:35 am
you nailed it on the first letter Erin re: the nature of Relationshippers and Solo Artists. What I’M wondering, and maybe i should just write in, is whether long-time, dedicated Solo Artists can really ever become true Relationshippers…
flip wilson commented on
Jun 29 09 at
1:43 pm
To be completely honest, if I had been out with a guy four times and he hadn’t made half a move and then I found out he’s been sleeping with somebody, I would definitely think he’s not that attracted to me. But that’s just me.
Giulia commented on
Jun 29 09 at
1:55 pm
To UTW: how serious do you want your relationship with 4-date girl to go? Do you think she’s the kind of person who assumes exclusivity if nothing is said? How would she feel if she found out about it later? How would you feel if your sister (or good friend, someone you care about) was in a similar situation and you found out the guy she’s been gushing about was having no-strings sex with someone else? I’m not saying don’t do it, just ask yourself these questions first. I was the “other” woman once, and, like Giulia, thought he couldn’t be that into the new girl if he couldn’t wait until the 5th (or 10th or 20th or whatever) date.
Ariane commented on
Jun 29 09 at
3:02 pm
UTW- the question you’ve got to ask yourself how much do you like the girl you’re dating in the first place? if you’re finding yourself planning sex with someone else, my guess is not all that much. if i were in your shoes, i’d ask four-dates girl how she feels about your relationship and get a clear perspective on where you stand first so you don’t end up feeling like a douche if she did in fact expect exclusivity and decide from there.
smartie commented on
Jun 29 09 at
6:31 pm
I was a four-date girl and got into a relationship with a guy who, on our first date, complained about how other girls he’d dated had been dating (and sleeping with) other people simultaneously. Once things got really serious between us, he confessed that HE’D been involved with two other women when we met, and one had ‘come around’ his place the weekend after we’d met. I would have been happy not to know that. I ended up kind of thinking he was a hypocrite and an asshole, and things went downhill.
retroactive commented on
Jun 29 09 at
8:13 pm
Giulia, how do you know the guy hasn’t made half a move during those four dates?
Bart commented on
Jun 30 09 at
11:47 am
Four dates is really a lot. If you’ve been around enough, you should know that if you meet someone you want to date seriously you should cut off your other relationship, not let them linger on a technicality until you’re officially exclusive. That’s an dumb thing to do and leads to messiness and hurt feelings. If you want to date someone, you shouldn’t have sex with someone else.
Kate commented on
Jun 30 09 at
4:54 pm
4 dates, no sex, and no exclusivity conversation?? You are most definitely single, and totally free to play with your friend. Your private life isn’t any of her business until she starts putting out. Then she has a right to know about your future intentions, but the past is still none of her biz.
Julia commented on
Jun 30 09 at
10:34 pm
I’m with Julia on this one. Also, why should we assume that she isn’t going to have some fun on her trip as well?
Bart commented on
Jul 01 09 at
7:18 am
Glad to know I’m not the only four-date girl out there. I’d rather not know, though unfortunately, I think I do…
kc commented on
Jul 01 09 at
2:49 pm
I think Miss Info’s answers are great and almost 100% foolproof, except for that last paragraph. Unless he wants to be put in a position where the only two choices are “lie” or “hurt the new girl’s feelings”, the correct answer to “how was your weekend” is “fine.” If you’re not in a committed relationship with her yet, then you have no reason to feel guilty about not telling her all your business, either.
There’s no point in telling someone you haven’t agreed to be exclusive with something that will only hurt them.
NG commented on
Jul 01 09 at
6:02 pm
why would anyone assume exclusivity after only 4 dates (and no sex dates at that)? if she really actually does assume that you two are something at this point, run fast and far away, as she is likely the clingy/stalker type. and Bart is right, there is no reason to tell her about your fun weekend with your friend unless you are trying to manipulate her into sex sooner, which isn’t the best course of action anyway for an adult male and doesn’t say much about your character. In other words, keep it to yourself and don’t play silly teenage games (even if you are a silly teenager). And to Ariane, if you wait until the 5th, 10th or 20th (JESUS!) date to sleep with a guy, you are pretty much ensuring that said guy will NOT be that into you. Unless you have a seriously amazing one of a kind personality to make up for it…
anomalyjustin commented on
Jul 02 09 at
3:53 pm
22 yr old single female? You’ve got some living to do!! My single years have taught me so much about myself, my friends, and what we enjoy doing together with ultimate freedom: answering to no one but yourself. Playing the field and finding out more of what you’re looking for, and what you won’t settle for is as invaluable as staying in one committed relationship after another without real staying power. Take your time, girl. You’ve got plenty of it.
AA commented on
Jul 02 09 at
4:20 pm
Sure I’d be pissed off. I may not show it though and it wouldn’t be intense but I’d be pissed off
Tommy J commented on
Jul 02 09 at
10:25 pm
“self-soothing, a terms typically associated with raising babies. It means letting a child calm themselves down during late-night crying fits without relying on their parents. It’s a painful process, learning to self-soothe as an infant, but it’s an important skill to learn, especially for when you’re a single adult.”
Huh? So your parents abandoning you to terror or discomfort (wet, hungry, alone in the dark when you’re too small to even roll over) is the recipe for successful adulthood? Really? And how many kids do you have? As an FYI, they don’t ‘calm themselves down’ — they give up, and begin learning the pattern that the parents’ help and love is arbitrary — it comes when it’s convenient for mom and dad.
My oldest is now 16, incredibly well-adjusted, with a deep, trusting relationship with her parents and enough ’self-soothing’ skills to leave for a semester overseas this month. Her success began with our keeping her close as an infant, building a core foundation of trust from which she could safely venture to explore the world. The kids I know who are train wrecks have almost all started out with parents neglecting their basic need to be close and bond with their parents.
You consistently give good relationship advice, but please consider leaving the child-rearing advice to someone who knows what they’re talking about.
Texan commented on
Jul 05 09 at
1:15 am
to “flip wilson”…
yes, i do think that solo artists can be relationshipers–though in my experience, this works best with other solo artists! i (a solo artist, for sure) have been in long term relationships with both ‘types’, and there seems to be something to the correlation between real compatibility and this orientation. A relationshiper may not understand a solo artist’s space needs, autonomy, and freedom. And vice-versa.
kr commented on
Jul 07 09 at
3:33 pm
Texan - Actually, the information about self-soothing is spot on. Sounds to me like you’re a bit defensive about how you raised your child.
That’s great that never letting your child learn to self-sooth worked for you, but I, and most of the parents I know, agree with Miss Information. If a child is fed, not wet and not in danger, then sometimes you just need to let him/her cry and calm him/herself down.
There is absolutely nothing wrong with this and the fact that you assume this means the parents aren’t bonding with the child or that the parents are leaving a wet or hungry child to fend for itself is just plain weird.
Azu commented on
Sep 30 09 at
9:46 am
