Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I’ve been divorced for two years. I developed a fetish during my marriage: I enjoyed cuckolding with my ex-wife. This led to our visiting swingers’ clubs and her escorting through Craigslist. She eventually started dating someone else, and she wouldn’t give me details about her escorting or her new boyfriends.
Although I’ve had several good relationships and a healthy sex life since our divorce, I can’t get pleasure without fantasizing about her and the cuckolding. I occasionally bother her with texts and emails asking about her current sex life, but she refuses to tell me. This just fuels my desire and lust for these details.
Why can’t she give me this one thing, and why can’t I have a sex life without her on my mind? — Desperate for Her Sex Life
Dear Desperate for Her Sex Life,
Why can’t she fill you in and satisfy your fetish? Because you’re not married. That horny ship has sailed. Your belongings have been divided. The papers were filed. It’s over.
I know it doesn’t seem like that big of a deal. You know her. She knows you. There’s no physical contact. What’s the harm in sharing some sex stories once in a while with the ex?
The problem is that you’re using them as spank material, and that’s not so far off from adultery in some people’s minds. You wouldn’t show up at her door with a dildo and be mad if she didn’t let you penetrate her, would you? “But honey, you let me do this before!” Same principle. Stop emailing and texting. She’s already refused to indulge you and, as the adage goes, no means no.
I see absolutely no harm in thinking about her cuckolding while you’re masturbating or even getting it on with other women. You may eventually get bored with that. If you don’t, there’s still no harm in it, as long as you and your current bed buddy are connected and satisfied. If Elisabeth Hasselbeck says something is wrong, you know it’s gotta be right.
Dear Miss Information,
I’ve been in a one-year relationship with an Arab macho man and I’m at the breaking point. I love his honesty and strong sense of morality. We have the most amazing sex. Here’s the problem: I work with him at a café in his country, and I’ve repeatedly expressed my desire to quit. I want to keep my work separate from my personal life. He gave me an ultimatum: if I work elsewhere, he won’t be with me.
Also, a girl who always hangs out at the café told me that she and my boyfriend have been giving each other massages. He wound up kissing her neck and boobs. I felt so angry that I left. When I confronted my boyfriend, he said she was lying, and that I was weak for walking away and believing her. He also said that he doesn’t feel anything for her and I shouldn’t worry about it.
Is he trying to control me by not letting me work somewhere else? I hope you can help make sense of this complex problem, but I think I’m leaning towards leaving him. — Ground Down
Dear Ground Down,
Diagnosing and treating relationship problems requires getting into specifics. Specifics like: is he being unfair about you changing jobs? Yes, unless you’re living together and sharing finances. If that’s the case, he has a stake in how much money you’re earning and how the changes in your schedule are going to affect your life together. A stake isn’t the same as control though.
You should consider why he’s giving you the ultimatum in the first place. Is he insecure? Is he trying to control you because he’s afraid you’ll leave him or is he treating you like property? Are you openly discussing your leaving the café and trying to reach a middle ground? If you’re playing the diplomat and he’s still giving you the same ultimatum, you’re right to consider leaving him. Not just because of the job issue, but because it isn’t healthy to be in such a serious relationship with someone who doesn’t know how to compromise.
You would think he’d want to compromise, considering all the boobie-massaging allegations. It’s possible he wants you to continue working at the same place because he did cheat, a classic case of the criminal going out of his way to show he has nothing to hide. Then again, maybe he didn’t cheat and figures the best way to prove it is by having you there the next time Shirtless McGee throws out an accusation. (All this intrigue — I need a Jackie Collins novel and a glass of dry white wine.)
Talk to your guy again, about the massages and the job issue. If your words are kind and rational he should have no problem with some additional discussion. If he does have a problem, it’s time to walk away.
What do you think, readers? Is there no saving a relationship with a controlling man, especially one you work with? Should Ground Down walk away or try to save what she has with her Arab macho man? Let me know in the comments.
Well, if you encourage your wife to cheat on you because you get off being cheated on, don’t be surprised when she ends up with someone else! Maybe she won’t give you details of her sex life anymore, but you can always just make up your own and pretend they came from her. If you want to get her off your mind but can’t seem to, you might want to consider a consultation with a psychologist. Or, maybe it’s just the “try not to think of a purple elephant” effect, where if you stop trying not to think of her, you won’t think of her so much.
For the second letter, it seems strange, but that’s probably because it’s a different culture than the one I’m used to. In that case, it’s just, do you want this guy to basically always do what he wants, with your opinion not important? Because if he’s like this after one year, it’s only going to get worse.
JCF commented on
Jul 06 09 at
8:48 am
Sounds like we’re missing a lot of info from the second letter writer’s life, and that it could be a manipulative and/or mentally abusive relationship. I hope she isn’t as gullible as she sounds.
SG commented on
Jul 07 09 at
11:57 pm
Dear Ground Down,
Where there’s smoke, there’s fire. What motivation does Shirtless McGee have to lie about Macho Man kissing her boobs? I admit, I’m a male and the female world perplexes me from time to time, but if women just go around making up random accusations regarding committed men kissing their boobs I’m certainly not aware of it! Besides, you’ve been in this relationship for only a year. Is that (or any period of time, really) really long enough to basically allow this “Macho Man” to make your life decisions for you?
KingPellinore commented on
Jul 08 09 at
10:53 am
I feel sorta bad for the first questioner since a huge part of a cuckold fetish is your partner finding someone else and leaving you for them and then telling you about it after the relationship is over.
I’m guessing she knew that (since she was playing cuckold games with him when they were married and if she’d read any of the stories on those sites would know that he’d expect that after the relationship was over.
On the other hand another cuckold game is to at first refuse to tell your ex about your current sex life for a period of time to build up his anticipation and then finally give him the details after he has begged enough. For all we know she may have read about those fantasies and be playing into them.
If not, she needs to say “Hey, the cuckolding game is over now” in no uncertain terms, because otherwise he could reasonably think that this is all part of the game.
Bart commented on
Jul 08 09 at
11:21 am
Wow, terrible advice to Ground Down. All boob-related allegations aside, he’s obviously manipulative. Quit the cafe job and quit him.
Apples commented on
Jul 08 09 at
1:14 pm
Vincent commented on 
Yo commented on 
