The Source: Christine Coppa, Glamour
The Dilemma: He didn’t want her to have the baby. She did anyway. He’s been out of the picture for the last couple of years but is now withholding child support unless he gets to see the baby.
The Advice: “Always look for a silver lining, it might not be entirely bad for your daughter to know her father and little by little form a relationship with him (remember, this isn’t a Lifetime Original Movie; the chances of your ex sweeping in and demanding custody is not likely to happen, especially since you were not married and he has been absent for two years and counting).”
The Rebuttal: A majority of those Lifetime movies are based on true stories. Take it from someone who’s squandered way too many Saturdays watching them. Don’t just invite your child’s absentee father back into your lives, no strings attached. Get a lawyer. Preferably one with expensive cufflinks and an intimidating demeanor.
The Source: Dear Gabbi, writing for Shaindy, “a site for Jewish religious people who are miserable in their marriage or just need a little extra.”
The Dilemma: “I’m a bit of a wild boy and have always liked the idea of making love outdoors,” writes Yoily. “But my wife is quite inhibited… How can I bring her around?”
The Advice: “Why don’t you assemble a seductive picnic and lead her to a secluded spot — again, I stress the need to avoid upsetting passers-by — where you can lay out a picnic blanket, food and the requisite amount of wine… With luck, she won’t have time to fear other people on a nature trail and will succumb to the beauty of the place and sensuality of the moment.”
The Rebuttal: I love how Gabbi stresses the need to “avoid upsetting passers-by” as Yoily leads his spouse to the checkered sheet and potato salad. Why would they be upset? Is he wearing a ski mask? Yoily, talk to your wife. Find out exactly what bothers her about outdoor sex. Is it the lighting? The sand in her ass? Do your due diligence, then set a scene that takes her needs into consideration.
The Source: J.C. Barker, for “Single & Loving It” on iVillage
The Dilemma: You’re a single female. Without a date. On a Saturday night. You’re suicidal.
The Advice: JC Barker to the rescue, with “Treat Yourself: 10 Tempting Ways to Spend a Date-Free Night”. Suggestions range from the bitter and passive (“#1: Realize that it’s his loss that he hasn’t found you yet”) to the active yet still bitter (“3. Cook a fabulous meal… Thank your lucky stars that you are not out with a pompous bore”) to the downright banal (“#5. Paint a room”).
The Rebuttal: Being single has its ups and downs, the latter of which are not helped by schizoid self-help articles which make us feel guilty about being negative/lazy. You want to get out the drop cloth? Fine. But don’t rain on my sloth parade, Mr. Barker. Sometimes it’s okay to feel crappy about not having a date.
With respect, I don’t think you should be weighing on that advice about the baby unless you yourself have some experience in the area. If this man is not violent or dangerous, and especially when the mother is asking him for child support month after month, he DOES have a right to see his child. The guy isn’t looking for custody - that is just a random fear of the mother. A random, unfounded fear is not a sound reason to drag a lawyer into the situation or to refuse to let the guy meet his 2 year old daughter. Here she is criticizing him for not showing up in the baby’s life, while at the same time she refuses to let him in. Imagine if he did just show up on the doorstep unannounced - then she’d be calling him a stalker or something.
Bottom line is that if you haven’t been a parent, then I don’t think that you can really understand what a horrible thing it is to tell a man he is not allowed to see his daughter.
Jack commented on
Jul 10 09 at
1:51 pm
Jack, it isn’t like the woman stole her baby away from an adoring father. When a man doesn’t want the kid to be born, then doesn’t want anything to do with the kid and is now withholding funds, it’s because he wants to see what he’s a cheap asshole who doesn’t pay for what he can’t see first hand. A lawyer should most definitely take official note of Daddy’s sudden interest in the little one. There is no shame in an arranged meeting of the grown-ups before the kid gets involved.
Christine commented on
Jul 10 09 at
2:03 pm
Sorry for the rough editing there. This comment window is REALLY small.
Christine commented on
Jul 10 09 at
2:04 pm
Jack: this guy is withholding child support, which shows that he doesn’t actually give a damn about his child’s wellbeing. It’s also illegal to withhold child support. Frankly, I suspect his brand-new belated “interest” in his child is just an excuse for him to stop contributing to his child’s food and clothing budget.
If he wants to see his child, he should get his own lawyer, because he has no particular right to do so at this point. The mother is acting reasonably in not wanting this jerkoff in her child’s life.
hannah commented on
Jul 10 09 at
3:17 pm
That’s my problem with Custody and the pro-choice arguments: once the child is conceived, the father has no choice whatsoever. If he absolutely wants the child but she does not, he has no say in the matter. If he absolutely wants nothing to do with a child but she insists on having the baby, he is on the hook for 18 years. So, once they decide to have sex, she gets to make all the consequent decisions.
Mark commented on
Jul 14 09 at
1:56 pm
Ha! Love the response to Barker on iVillage. On dateless nights where I feel lame, I figure I might as well go all out: sitting in my undies on the couch, watching cartoons or reading comic books (things I feel, perhaps wrongly, I should be ashamed of because they’re not girly enough), and lots of booze (…ditto). Painting a room is for procrastinating on a deadline, not for dateless Fridays!
Kari commented on
Jul 14 09 at
3:38 pm
Mark- If you don’t want her to make those decisions then either don’t sleep with her or wear a condom. I’m sorry but it’s her body, her decision.
Laura commented on
Jul 16 09 at
12:24 am
Picnics are a great leisure activity. In this economy, people are always looking to save money on family activities. A good old fashion picnic is a superb way to save and have fun.. Also, typically most kids love the outdoors, so picnics are a great match. Get your picnic baskets and have fun.
Dean commented on
Jul 20 09 at
11:20 pm
