Have a question? Email erin@nerve.com. Letters may be edited for length, content and clarity.
Dear Miss Information,
I met a guy one night when I was out with the girls. He took my number, told me the bar where he works, and asked me to stop by sometime. I never heard from him and never gave it another thought. Eight months later, I ended up going to his bar and saw him. He sat down with me and we talked for two hours. My friend said he must like me, since directors of high-end bars don’t usually do that. He told me to come back.
A week later, I went to his bar for a birthday party. When he saw me, he came right over, and we chatted about how his day was and how I was bringing him a lot of business. At the end of the night, he asked me to come back when it wasn’t so busy, because he wanted to go out. I told him I’d come back the next week. He made sure he had my number and said goodbye.
I came back the third week, and the place was even busier than usual. I met a couple of guys who kept talking to me. When I saw him, I said hello. He said he’d come by my table in a bit. He never did. When I went back up to the bar, he bought me a drink and told me that it seemed like I was too busy to talk. Then he disappeared. I saw him outside later. He said I should come by more often but never mentioned how we were supposed to go out.
I’m confused. Did I just assume that he liked me? I understand that he manages a high-end bar where meeting beautiful woman is easy. I’m wondering if I got the wrong signals? Should I make a move? I’m not going to that venue for at least three weeks so I don’t look desperate. — Mixed Signals
Dear Mixed Signals,
Make a move? It sounds like you’ve made plenty, sweetheart. You made a move when you gave him your phone number. You made a move when you went to his bar. You made a move when you returned a week later. Even though it was on the pretext of somebody’s birthday party, your intentions were obvious. You made still more moves when you returned a third time, tried to talk to him, and got rebuffed.
I know what it’s like to be smitten with someone, especially when that someone is gorgeous and has a cool job. When they’re giving you encouragement, no matter how minimal, you’re always going to want to give them the benefit of the doubt.
But what you call “mixed signals” are really pretty straightforward:
Fact: he’s had your number for the better part of a year but has never called.
Fact: he only wants to see you at his workplace, i.e., he doesn’t want to go out of his way.
Fact: he’s had multiple opportunities, but has never officially asked you out.
It takes nothing to tell a pretty girl to come by your bar and bring her friends. I’m sure he likes the boost it gives, both to his business and his ego. I wouldn’t be impressed that he gives you free alcohol. He runs a bar. Fetching you a Gatorade or one of those awful roses in a plastic tube from the gas station across the street would be more meaningful.
Excuses like “he’s just busy” or “he saw me talking to those guys and got jealous” are just that — excuses, all of which add up to him not asking you out. You can certainly go ahead and ask him out. It’s not like he’s banned you from his restaurant and has taken out a restraining order.
It all comes down to a willingness to be rejected. If you can deal with the thought of him saying no, then go for it. Just be careful what you wish for. I wouldn’t be surprised if he accepts and then cancels, or goes on a few dates with you then backs out. How someone behaves at the beginning of a relationship is usually a good indicator of how they’ll behave later on. Why volunteer for more white-knuckled uncertainty, when there are guys out there who will like you and actually show it?
Dear Miss Information,
Ask your readers why women are hesitant to date short men. Is it social or biological? — Short Bald Guy
Dear Short Bald Guy,
What, no questions about being a bald guy, as well? I’ve been trying to come up with a famous, short, bald guy I want to bang, just to be contrarian, but keep stalling out at Mr. Burns from The Simpsons and Danny DeVito. Jason Statham is sufficiently foxy and follicle-free to be a contender, but IMDB lists him at five-eight-and-a-half, not far from the average American male height of five-nine. Vin Diesel is a disappointing six feet tall, which I verified through an exhaustive Google image search of shirtless photos. My job is horrible.
Is the short-men-can’t-date syndrome social? Biological? I don’t know. I don’t think anyone knows. You can look to all kinds of pop-science studies. For every one that says short guys don’t get the girl, there’s another that says women value personality and a sense of humor above all else. They don’t speak to individual attraction, a complex phenomenon which can’t be scientifically tracked to social data or the behavior of hominids millions of years ago.
Bullshit, you say? Science constantly evolves (and hopefully improves). There was a time when the idea of “female hysteria” was used keep women out of the workplace, and people of color were regarded as savages. Both of those had so-called “science” on their side, too. Studies like this one, which had a sample set of fewer than 100 people, still somehow make the front-page news. My day job is advertising. If I tried to convince a client of something with that amount of evidence, I’d be tossed out on my ass. Why are the standards lower for human beings than they are for laundry detergent?
And I don’t buy the “just add confidence!” argument that so many people try to sell to short guys. It’s unrealistic. I just think anyone who differs from the so-called midline (whatever that is) of the human spectrum is going to have a tougher time dating, whether you’re skinny or fat, rich or poor, heavily tattooed, or living in a geodesic dome. The best advice I can give is to be the best version of yourself you can be, keep putting yourself out there, and be patient. Sometimes it takes awhile.
Readers, what would you say to Short Bald Guy? How does height play into your dating experiences?
I like your last advice. The last guy I fell for was a bit shorter than me (I am a very tall woman). It can happen. It’s cuz he had, like, the most amazing personality ever. And he wasn’t bad-looking, either. And although I knew he was shy, through liquid confidence he told me how he felt about me in pretty awesome terms.
EC commented on
Nov 02 09 at
1:22 am
your first advice answers a lot of different questions. Thank you
LC commented on
Nov 02 09 at
5:06 am
Short men generally have what my mum refers to as ’short man syndrome’ they are arrogant and over masculine to, perhaps, make up for what they believe to be a loss of masculinity, whereas, if they just relaxed, and felt at ease in their own skin, instead of assuming that it’s their height, and blaming other people for being shallow, they might, just might, become very attractive!
RO commented on
Nov 02 09 at
9:06 am
One of the possible, and unfortunate reasons, for women not dating shorter guys could be the women’s self confidence and vanity. I hate to say it, but I hate feeling bigger than the guy I’m seeing, I’m not a small girl so very few guys can make me feel dainty, but at least they don’t make me feel like a giant either. Maybe if I were more confident in myself, and less concerned with seeming large, I’d have given those awesome short guys a chance; but as it is, I’ve passed over number of short guys based solely on their size and height.
Aludarie commented on
Nov 02 09 at
9:11 am
I love short guys! Well, I like all kinds of guys, but that’s beside the point. I’m 5′4″ and I wouldn’t hesitate to go out with someone shorter. I actually had a no tall guys rule before, then came my boyfriend who is 6′4″. His height does not excite me, which I just now realized. Silly. Every guy I’ve ever liked who happened to be short, their height excited me. I wouldn’t go so far as to say it is a fetish, but just a trait that makes me smile.
VS commented on
Nov 02 09 at
9:24 am
I’m completely unfussed either way about height. My partners have been a variety of heights, but the guy I held a torch for for years is shorter than me. It was never an issue.
sanga commented on
Nov 02 09 at
9:36 am
I am the shorty guy married for 33 years to a woman who is 4 inches taller than me (she is 5 feet 10.5 inches tall). That is the end of debate about biology. We have 2 lovely daughters.
shorty chap commented on
Nov 02 09 at
10:16 am
i’m 5′9 and my fiancee is 5′7- which isn’t bad on paper, until i put on high heels
it bugged me for about 15 minutes, but his personality is too amazing to pass up. plus, we’re all the same height lying down
jj commented on
Nov 02 09 at
10:38 am
I’m 5′6, and I dated a wonderfully awesome guy who was only 5′4 earlier this year. It didn’t work out, but we are still close friends (and I still think he’s devilishly sexy). He had a personality that lit up the whole room. Height isn’t everything.
Mindy commented on
Nov 02 09 at
11:34 am
RO - you are right on the money when it comes to short guy syndrome! I’m 5′8″ and have consistently dated men my height and shorter. While many of them were fun and sweet guys, too many had raging complexes over their shortness, a yen to take on any other male with a half inch or more on them. Sorry, I don’t think combative is any woman’s cup of tea. I’m married to a 5′8″ man who got over his short guy bullshit way before we met (thank God!). And even though I wear 4-inch heels just about every time we go out, he doesn’t get weird. He compliments my hot legs and ass!
trina commented on
Nov 02 09 at
12:02 pm
yep some of us short guys (i’m 5′7″) can have a chip on our shoulder and overcompensate. you become more comfortable with yourself as you age. i gotta say though i take way better care of my body than taller people who i think kind of get lazy about it b/c they already have a social advantage. short guys work and love harder! i salute me
flip wilson commented on
Nov 02 09 at
1:00 pm
I’ve known some short men who had acute “short guy syndrome”, but I’ve also known some short men who were totally handsome, smart, funny, and in good shape, and who still had subpar luck with women for reasons that were unequivocally related to their height. The consequences of being short are no more “all in your head” than the consequences of being significantly overweight. Yes, confidence can help a lot, and some people wear their height/weight well. But it’s shitty to implicitly blame the person in question, when it’s patently obvious that people will treat them differently from the get-go. It’s not as if there aren’t plenty of fat people with chips on their shoulders, but we don’t rush to blame them, right? Men like to feel bigger than their partner, women like to feel smaller; it’s not terribly difficult to figure out how that would affect people’s preferences. I have never in my life heard anyone dismiss a guy as a romantic prospect for being too tall, so not all deviations from the norm are equal or complementary!
S.F. commented on
Nov 02 09 at
2:59 pm
I have had a horrible crush for years on a friend of mine who happens to be both short and bald. He is also the sweetest guy I know and super foxy. I’ve had crushes on shorter guys before - as well as chubby guys with beards- but they never seem to be the types of guys who ask me out.
heather commented on
Nov 02 09 at
4:31 pm
The first swing dance class I took, I was amazed at the number of short men. Then it made sense . . . tall guys can often attract women just by standing there at a club. Short guys need a little something extra. (The guy who ended up being my boyfriend is 6′3″. But still relevant to the conversation, because he’s overwieght. not obese, just big. I have never been into chunky men–always went for the waifs. But he’s such a marvelous dancer that I didn’t see him as the fat guy, but the guy who makes me feel like a princess on the dance floor. Could have been the same story with one of the shorter blokes.)
anathema commented on
Nov 02 09 at
4:38 pm
i’m 5′3″ and my boyfriend is about the same height. i find him incredibly sexy. sometimes when someone takes a picture, i feel less dainty next to him, but that’s not what our relationship is about. he has great style and a fun personality and he’s not hung up on “being short”. i’ve dated both really tall men (6′7″) and several shorter guys (under 5′8″) and honestly the shorter men were sexier and more considerate. height is not an issue.
rh commented on
Nov 02 09 at
5:15 pm
The hottest short dude (aside from my bf who is my height exactly, 5′5″) is Peter Dinklage. I would rip his clothes off in a hot minute!
bethy commented on
Nov 02 09 at
5:44 pm
I dated a short guy (5′6″, I’m 5′7.5″) for almost 5 years. Granted we are only an inch and half difference but he is definitely on the shorter side of things. I never really thought about it. Other than the rare occasions I worked up the nerve to wear 4 inch heels and even then he thought it was sexy and I loved that I was with a guy who thought I was sexy no matter how much taller I was then him. I really think this comes down to the girl. Some women want a man who towers over them, maybe it makes them feel more feminine- who knows. What I do know is that I wouldn’t say no to someone simply because they are a few inches shorter than I.
elle commented on
Nov 02 09 at
5:59 pm
The MOST SEXY thing to a woman is confidence, humor and a good personality. Do not confuse this with arrogance and you’ll get any chick you want.
Heather commented on
Nov 02 09 at
6:02 pm
I’m 5′6″ (and bald) and I’ve dated women ranging from 5′4″ to 6′0″. Generally taller women like taller guys, but this is America - you can like who and what you want! Sure it’s a little harder on short guys breaking through initial resistance, but being a complete person with lots of interests, a good personality and who treats people with respect is the way to go. Don’t sweat it, and other people won’t either.
Ari B. commented on
Nov 02 09 at
6:30 pm
My dad, at 5′6″ was able to walk into a disco and meet my mom, so I’m thinking its more about the person, not their height.
I’ve been incredibly attracted to short guys, and bald guys can be superbly attractive too. It all falls back onto personality, and a relationship based on any less isn’t worth it, right?
Sails commented on
Nov 02 09 at
6:44 pm
i’m 5′8 and my ideal height for a man is about 6′3 or 6′4. that’s the neight that really, really gets me turned on. it could be because my dad’s 6′2 and so is my step dad. like the other women who have commented, i’m 5′8 and 140 pounds and i have an athlethic build, so it’s hard for me to feel safe and secure around a guy who’s below 6′0.
jaclyn commented on
Nov 02 09 at
7:37 pm
I’ve turned down men who were too tall. I am 5′4 and can’t stand the guys who tower two heads above me and make me feel like I am in grade school. Short funny men will always have my vote.
NU commented on
Nov 02 09 at
9:43 pm
I’ve always enjoyed dating men who were shorter than me. Now, I won’t turn down a tall guy if the chemistry is right, but all but one of my serious boyfriends have been 5′7″ or shorter. Maybe it’s b/c my dad is a short guy and that whole thing about women going after father figures, I don’t know. Short guys just get my attention more. I don’t want some guy towering over me, I like to look my partner in the eye. (great advice, btw)
Wren commented on
Nov 02 09 at
9:59 pm
The request was for advice, so I’ll try mine, which is essentially intended for any dude who has something not quite the norm that he wants to, um, compensate for.
1) Get really, really good in bed. (”But how am I supposed to get good in bed if no woman will go out with me?” you ask … the answer is that it is possible to learn a lot *without* doing, if you spend the right amount of time and money on web sites such as Good Vibrations or Toys in Babeland. Get creative: round up a bunch of trusted female friends, buy them drinks, and get them to complain about what they *don’t* like in bed, and hopefully share what they do like. I ethically can’t recommend escorts, plus they are being paid to make you feel good about yourself, so they might not be that honest with you.)
Being good in bed will mean that you’ll start to give off a sexual confidence that women will indeed pick up on.(to be continued …)
bluecats commented on
Nov 02 09 at
11:03 pm
i’m 5′11/6′ i have been this tall since i was 10. i’ve always dated/been attracted to men who are shorter then me (well, almost true, i’ve kissed one guy who was taller lol). altho i think that has a lot to do with the fact that when i was deciding what was attractive, all the boys were shorter then me.
corinne commented on
Nov 02 09 at
11:05 pm
2) Develop a really interesting hobby. Not just any hobby: something physical, hopefully with a certain bit of danger and/or edge to it. I know that “take up a hobby” is always the advice (and I give it often) but it will make you, as a person, more interesting if you do whitewater rafting or rock climbing or metal sculpture or something. Not only will it make you in reality more interesting, but your mentioning it will make you appear more interesting to your conversation partners. And you might meet someone.
3) Learn to cook. Get really good at it. I wouldn’t count on meeting women at cooking classes, but men who cook well are still rare enough that you all are a very refreshing find.
So see, you could either be “that dude who’s cute but kind of short,” or you could be the guy with the rock climber’s body (I had no idea how much of a plus that was until I dated one) who gives the best head and makes the best broccoli rabe ever.
Just sayin’.
bluecats commented on
Nov 02 09 at
11:06 pm
I think this “short man’s syndrome” you folks speak of is a figment of your imaginations. There is no reason why someone shorter than you needs to kiss your butt. Aggressive is aggressive. An asshole is an asshole. I never notice I’m short until some dumbass reminds me about it and mocks me in public. At 32, I know who I am. You’re the one who thinks its an issue. Get over it.
And good luck to you, Short Bald Guy. You’ve got some wonderful advice and anecdotes here.
Broke commented on
Nov 03 09 at
1:41 am
I have a friend who owned a membership-based dating service for over twenty years. She tells me that without a shadow of a doubt, her experience is that women are biased about height much more so than any other factor (race, age, income, etc). And, ever read online dating profiles? My educated guess is that 95% of women post that they prefer a guy at least 3″ taller. The evidence is out there, and it is what it is…
Dave commented on
Nov 03 09 at
12:04 pm
I’m 5′7″ and fairly certain I don’t have any serious height hang ups, but I have noticed it enough on online profiles that I don’t bother wasting my time on girls much taller than me. In real life I treat every encounter on its own merits, but with the internets…
b commented on
Nov 03 09 at
1:52 pm
My boyfriend is short (5′5) and bald. I could care less about his lack of height or hair, because he’s a wonderful, caring human being. Try to find women that aren’t shallow and you’ll have better luck.
Kate commented on
Nov 03 09 at
1:53 pm
I’m 5′2″, so a guy has to be *very short* to be short compared to me. Perhaps because my own height sets the bar…so low, height is waaaay down on my list of desirable male attributes. I do prefer a man to have hair, but that’s just me. In general, I think any man with a decent personality, and who showers regularly, will be harmed more by his fears about things like his height or his baldness than he will be by those attributes themselves. That’s not to say that “looks don’t matter.” But, I actually think women are relatively more likely (than men are) to focus on a potential partner’s non-physical strong points, if she finds him enjoyable to be with, than men are to “ignore” a woman’s physical “imperfections.”
Overall, I think height and/or balness can be a “deal breaker” to *some* women, but they’re insignificant to many.
Susan commented on
Nov 03 09 at
4:17 pm
I like tall men, 6ft or taller. I think it has to do how you grew up — my grandfather, father, two brothers, uncles, etc… all 6ft or taller. So I think I am just used to tall men, as that is what everyone else is. They have a more commanding presence, people take them more seriously, they are better at sports, they walk into a room and people take them seriously, etc. Plus if anything “happens” they can take care of the situation.
I have never dated, would never date a bald guy. I am not saying a man might lose his hair when he turns fifty or something, but we are of Irish descent so everyone (men, women, children) all have really pretty hair. My grandfather at 95 had a full head of hair. I also like a guy with a great personality who can make me laugh. I don’t have any qualms with this, since men are allowed to have all kinds of preferences in society… I also find that tall men are more confident and kinder. They don’t have anything to “prove” since they are already the top of the heap.
Plus, who wants short children?
Sorry to everyone I have offended, but you wanted honesty.
Patricia commented on
Nov 06 09 at
11:46 pm
I have a hard time taking short men seriously. I am 5′6″, so anything under 5′11″ or so. In business or friendship, it is fine, but as a romantic partner. IF he is short, he had better have a heck of a personality… but even then, I don’t think I would be able to consider him seriously as a partner. I think women and short men (some women!) is sort of like a man being with a woman he does not find attractive — it is just not going to happen.
Having said that, I think short men often try harder, and are often great dancers, and this effort can be attractive to some women.
I just don’t really take short men seriously.
Lisa commented on
Nov 06 09 at
11:54 pm
I’m quite short (5′1″) and I’ve never dated anyone shorter than 5′11″. I’m ok with it on paper, but when it comes down to it, something’s just fizzles. I it’s akin to men who aren’t attracted to women who are too curvy or above a certain weight - it’s arbitrary and unfair, but that’s just how it is.
Ani commented on
Nov 08 09 at
1:35 am
Short men will be less attractive to women as long as larger women are less attractuve to men. I’m 5′7″ and 160 lbs: not fat, but definitely voluptuous. Most men judge that as ‘large’ and unfeminine. After a lifetime of that bullshit it’s hard not to prefer someone a good 5″ taller than I am who thus makes me feel ‘girly’. Fucked up but true, I’m afraid. Men seem to like women with tiny little bird bodies; are those of us who are more big boned (=majority of women) supposed to absorb the double standard all on our own? Forget it. I’ve dated shorter guys but I’m more turned on by ones who are big. PS, bald doesn’t matter’ only crappy hair solutions (ponytail with bald spot, comb-over) do. I was married to a guy who was bald as a cue-ball. And he was HOT.
Alex commented on
Nov 10 09 at
6:59 pm
first, i love your column, erin. and i also love short men. they’re fun-sized, like snickers. i heard a possibly convincing but maybe untrue factoid that bald men are more virile - like they produce so much testosterone that it fries their head hair or something. so, short bald man, you have THAT on your side. also, you could get a really tall cowboy hat. or only date girls who wear flats. or, you could move to japan.
anna commented on
Nov 12 09 at
5:54 pm
barlova commented on 
Flynn commented on 
